Fallout | 12.06.2014
Life of expectations…
I know this could be a sin….
But for this very little moment, I would like to be honest & truthful with myself & with the people dear to me. Lord, forgive me for having this feeling.
Today, I learned a lesson the hard way…
I could not say more – but an awkward sound on my head “Ok—k–kaaayyyy” – a dragging sound of k to the deepest part of my hypothalamus. There is that time of our life when we tend to feel so high, high-spirited, happy, confident, and boastful at times, free… etc. There is that time that we expect something’s will go our way; will work as per what our aspiration draws; will stand like we are the architect of our life.
I was in this situation, just a few minutes ago… actually for a while now (let’s say~ 6 months?). But behind that drawing, is also another part of my hypothalamus where I long to be home. There is boredom. There is tiredness. There is a feeling that I just want to sit and don’t think of anything.
So much for that, let’s go what happened today.
Today is a day where a situation is being revealed. After 2 years of waiting, here comes a point, which is actually a “make” – but feels like “make or break”. As the moment unfolds, inside me is a rush. I was running, running as fast as I can and now ready to take off (like an airplane does)… one, two… three seconds… four seconds… five! Boom!! One of my wings got broken.
Yes, you got it right; my expectation was high so I fall from 8th floor!
As I have said, I learned a lesson the hard way. I composed myself and tried to manage calmness within. Today, I learned to lower down my expectations from people, from situation, from chances and from others. I guess it is ok to expect but not “that high”. As I look back, I still found myself blessed. I know this will not happen to me if God didn’t allow it to happen.
Although at the very moment, I still have that clingy feeling to get “emo” — I know I will be able to work it out.
Lord, today I pray for your love, envelop me with that unconditional love that I may not feel this feeling. Amen.
Fallout (n) [ ‘flˌaut ]
Outcome, effect, result, consequence.