Thursday night was a little emotional night for me. Every thing was doing well, a nice dinner with Kokobear and a few discussions and then something (I can’t totally recall what) led me to be a little off. So I went to bed earlier than the usual. Of course I didn’t sleep right away, still battling that sleepless/insomnia every single night.
So I took myself into prayer mode while lying down and suddenly I caught my tears drenching on my face. I wasn’t sad about what happened right before I lie down. I was emotional because somehow for a while I haven’t actually dig deeper into what has been happening around me. Of course there has been days when I start questioning and wondering why this and why that… but my mantra of staying positive has kept that hope afloat until Thursday night. Yes, this is a night when I ask Him those questions, a moment where I doubted myself and feeling a little dismayed on both sides of the coins. . . . (I won’t share the verbatim lines but if you know me, you’d probably know what is my current baggage and eventually I cried myself to sleep.
Everyday, I wake up having refusal/rejections letters and emails from the hundreds of job vacancies I have applied for as breakfast. Thus, you can’t blame me if I start wondering what’s in-store for me? Asking – is that it? Was that my whole working-life already? A staggering moments of doubts and creeping self-esteem dragging me during my down days is never fun. With faith I have stayed in my ground and of course human as I am, I am never an exemption of breaking down. Which what exactly just happened.
Come Friday, where I attended the first Senior Core Group (SCG) of our community – CFFL together with the rest of the servants of CFFL Dubai. A long ride and a bit of adjustment period to get back into the mode of being in a teaching. The holiday season has made us all feel chill. There’s been a lot of reminders in each scriptures and lessons learned based on the theme for this year coming from Joshua 25:14 – As for me and my household, we will serve the Lord. But these 6 principles are like rocks thrown into my heart and mind and once again I hear Him crystal clear!
It is the Lord that goes before you.
God will be with you.
God will not fail you or forsake you
Do not fear and be dismayed.
Be strong and be steadfast
We should bring the people into the Lord.
There’s no need to elaborate all of them, all of its explanation goes right straight into my heart, mind and soul!
On my head I could hear Him saying “how dare” you question me! Made me feel sorry and ashamed too. I am claiming to be His warrior, a missionary, chosen and a daughter of the King yet I fall into the trap.
Well, you’d probably wonder, why I’m sharing this?
Maybe I found the answer?
Maybe I have a new job?
To be honest, for one & half years now I have never been into an interview and yet right after hearing all those 6 reminders, I am enlightened with the fact that as I continue to gather all the rejections day-by-day I am drawing closer to what he has perfected for me.
I am waiting patiently Lord for your YES.
I’ll stay patient, brave and courageous. Amen.